Yes, I'm Crandell. Why are you here? An introduction? To what? I see. You wish to know about the day I met Honey. What do you mean everyone already knows? I didn't tell a soul. Was it Queen Patsy? Or that strange girl with the zombie savior complex? I demand to know—ack! Honey, my love, what are you—!
Hey, y'all. Honey here. I've sent Crandell to go shelve the collected works of parakind expert Theodosia Monroe, which should take him a couple of hours. That's plenty of time for you to read Hell, Book & Crandell. It has cranky vampires (Crandell), adorable genies (me), and terrible demons (one, in particular). Go on, sweetie. I'll distract Crandell...
My name is Crandell Aubert. I’m a vampire who wants to be left the hell alone. Until a woman named Honey sashays into my bookstore and brings her demon problems with her…
Honey tucks flowers into her hair, wears polka-dotted dresses and cake-shaped high heels, and says things like “toodle-oo.” She’s pretty.
Wait. I mean … um, pretty annoying. Ahem.
I know from past experience that humans can’t be trusted. So why does my cold, undead heart warm every time I’m near this woman? Gramercy! I think she might be the key to unlocking my heretofore unknown romantic soul.
That is, if we manage to defeat the pesky demon who wants to enslave her for all eternity...
INCLUDES BONUS STORY! What happened to Jenny O'Halloran after she didn't get the bookstore gig? You'll find out in the bonus story A Part from You.
What do you want to do next?
Read an Excerpt
CRANDELL AUBERT
“You do not know me, madam. Until today, I’ve had one employee. Me. And I’ve never been a disappointment to myself.”
“But you probably have to others,” she whispered. I heard the squeak of the cart wheels and the click-click-click of her heels as she headed out of the checkout area and toward what I hoped was section eight.
“Oh, crap. Crapcrapcrapsticks.” After this exclamation, I heard her screech, the distinct thud of books falling off shelves, and then silence. Had Miss Yoo-hoo knocked herself out?
Obnoxious male laughter filled my shop, followed by an even stronger stench of sulfur. “Ah, my darling,” boomed the metallic echo of a demon’s voice. “Come out, come out, wherever you are.” He tsked. “Hide and seek is for children. No more games, sweet sweet Honey.”
“I’m not playing games, Brank.” The woman’s voice had gone up an octave, and I could hear a slight tremble as she added, “I’m not yours.”
“Not yet.”
This did not sound good. Had Patsy known her choice of employee was packing demon baggage? I placed the stack of books I was holding on top of the bookshelf. Then I wound my way through the bookshelves until I entered the area in front of the check-out counter. I barely got a look at the buff red-scaled nine-foot-tall demon scratching my floors with his black hooves before the woman threw herself at me.
I was besieged by red dress with white polka dots and creamy female flesh. Miss Honey’s foot kicked up behind her and I noticed her clickety-clacking high heels were in the shape of cake wedges. Red Velvet.
“Mr. Aubert!” the woman cried desperately as she hugged me tightly, her fulsome breasts pressing against my chest.
The wonderful aroma of freshly bloomed gardenias embedded into my skin and clothes. Her blonde hair had been pulled into a thick, bouncy ponytail with a big white flower tucked into the top.
She fit perfectly into my embrace, the top of her head resting just underneath my clavicle. Only now could I sense she was...Other. Human, yes. But something else, too. Something...delicious. Decadent.
Mine. My fangs erupted and I wanted nothing more than to taste the morsel tucked so securely in my arms. Taste her. Mark her. Conquer her.
I stiffened as I wrestled with my self-control. What was wrong with me? These sudden strange inclinations made me feel weak and vulnerable, something I could ill afford considering our hellish guest.
Miss Honey’s personal problems had followed her into my place of business and had now become my problems. This woman had been hired by Queen Patsy, and therefore, she was my responsibility...even if I didn’t want her to be.
The demon snarled at me, exposing his slimy black teeth. A forked tongue flickered out from between his lips as he demanded, “Give her to me!”
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Thank you for checking out Hell, Book & Crandell! If you want to find out how a witch haunted by a foul-mouthed Puritan ghost helps a bear shifter save all the magic, click here for Witch Trials. (Did we mention there are zombie rabbits AKA zombunnies? Because there are a LOT of zombunnies.)
