I'm the Organ Fairy

Your bill is due.

You know about the tooth fairy, right? Well, I’m the organ fairy. And your bill is due.

Don’t look so shocked. You signed the paperwork. I got it right here. Says you offered up your … liver.

Seriously? You traded your liver to attend a Machine Gun Kelly concert?

I could understand maybe giving up a kidney or even a testicle. You got two of those. Oh. You wanted front row. But … Machine Gun Kelly? Really?

You could’ve at least traded one of your major organs to see Eminem. You wouldn’t have gotten front row with just a liver, but still … what? Why?

Two words. Rap. God.

No, no. You’re right. You can listen to whoever you want. Even rap devils like you can make deals with organ fairies. Ha, ha. See what I did there? It’s a reference to … you know what? Never mind.

Cry if it makes you feel better. Tears don’t affect me one way or the other. Organ fairies are usually sociopaths. It’s the nature of the work. We can’t empathize with humans while we’re carving them into pieces.

Oh, here we go. Nope. I can’t take your soul instead. That’s a different department and we don’t work with those arrogant pricks. The soul fairies are the worst. They think the non-corporeal part of a human is the most important. Hah. Try walking around without a heart.

Or, in your case, a liver.

You gotta stick with the terms of the original deal. It’s right there in the contract. Nobody ever reads the contracts. You have to write your name in blood, you think you could take five minutes to review the document.

This? It’s a scalpel. It’s very sharp and it’ll cut through your muscles like they’re melted butter.

You’re worried about pain? You went to a Machine Gun Kelly concert. Doesn’t that mean you like pain? At least in your ears, right?

Sigh. Why do you think I have you tied to the bed? Of course, you can’t move. Humans are wigglers, especially when you’re carving into their flesh and removing organs.

Anesthesia?

I’m not a doctor. I’m an organ fairy.

Okay, look. Most people don’t know this, but you can include a painkiller clause in your deal. You have to ask for it, though. Not that you’ll be making any more deals. Offering up your liver is a one-way ticket to the Beyond.

Dude. I hear this all the time. People always want to make another deal. I can’t get you a replacement liver. And I can’t let you trade out another organ for the one you originally offered.

What am I gonna do with money? No, you can’t give me your girlfriend. I don’t want your dog, either. Yeah, well, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you signed the contract you didn’t read.

No offense, but I’ll have to gag you now.

Because you’ll scream and it’s distracting. Here, let me stuff this gauze into your mouth. That’s better.

I gotta get this show on the road. I have a four o’clock appointment with a dentist who traded his heart to cure his daughter of cancer. That’s noble. I’ll probably give him morphine on the house because he made his deal to save someone else.

You, however, are an idiot. And organ fairies don’t suffer fools. Not when it’s time for payment.

And like I said … your bill is due.

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