I don’t like spiders.

I mean, who does, right? Look at all those spider “kill it with fire” memes on Facebook that go around on our feeds every day. Disgusting eyes and legs and fangs.

Fucking fangs.

Dude.

I never thought I was afraid of spiders. I mean, they’re easy enough to kill. Unless it’s one of those jumping spiders found in Australia. Have you see those motherfuckers? As big as your head and they leap at you. I’d rather someone throw acid in my face than have a monster arachnid land on me.

Pet tarantulas? Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of insane person wants one of those creepy-crawlies as a pet? I’d smash it with a rock.

You will never find me vacationing in a place that has jungles. Or rain forests. Or deserts. I’m not going anywhere near a place where a goddamned poisonous eight-legged asshole can kill me.

Okay. Maybe. Maybe I’m a little afraid of spiders. I’ll admit my roommates Kevin and Todd teased me all the time about it. Yeah. I’m a college football player who can rough up guys on the field and scare off bouncers at the downtown bars. So they thought it was hilarious that spiders were my Kryptonite. Soooo hilarious that they put a bunch of them in my Cheerios box. I loved Cheerios, man. But this morning, along with all those crunchy-Os pouring into my bowl were fucking spiders.

No, I don’t know what kind of spiders. Who fucking cares? I’ll tell you something … I am never eating Cheerios again. Those pricks ruined breakfast for me forever.

I guess I overreacted. But wouldn’t you? I beat the living shit out of Kevin and Todd. I just saw red, man, you know? My temper got the better of me and I went wild.

I didn’t mean to kill them.

Shit. I still feel like spiders are crawling on me even after taking three showers. Now, y’all got me in this interview room and I think … I think I see a spider web in the corner. No, man. It’s a spider web. With spiders crawling all over it. They’re right fucking there! On the wall. And the floor. And crawling up my chair.

Do you see them? They’re on my skin, and in my mouth, and now… now they’re in my eyes. I gotta get ’em outta my eyes! Get these cuffs off me. Hurry, hurry before those furry little bastards burrow into my skin.

Goddamn it.

I hate spiders.